In the melanoma community, and perhaps among groups with other cancers, there’s a condition known as “scanxiety” – the anxiety that patients and their loved ones experience waiting for results of CT/PET scans and MRIs performed to look for and measure active lesions. For some of us (like me!) the anxiety begins even before the scan is performed. Hence, I am writing about this 10 days before Robert is scheduled to be scanned at Johns Hopkins, the final appointment of his participation in a clinical trial of the melanoma GVAX vaccine.

I’m coming to realize that I’m going through a form of PTSD that is not uncommon for cancer survivors and caregivers. It’s nothing new – a literature search finds articles and papers about it going back at least to the 1990s. But it’s new for me, something I hadn’t thought about before. Oh my, will melanoma ever stop giving me opportunities to learn about things I have no desire to know?

My life is at another crossroads, and I’m learning more about myself as I figure out where I’m going next. It’s another lesson in how we deal with uncertainty – something Robert and I do in very different ways. He is better able than I to face up to difficult situations as they occur. I am – have always been – better at dealing with challenges when I have time to think them through. And this challenge – getting on with our lives, post-melanoma vaccine trial – is a giant.